Several times over the past few days, I have owned up to just how much crying I've done while in grad school about grad school. It's strange, isn't it, how much crying we do here? Or is it more that there's plenty of crying in "real life," but graduate school can be so all-consuming that most things that I would cry about end up somehow related to school now.
I think part of it--a part that I'd like to figure out a way around--is the sense of pressure, the sense of a clock ticking and you have to be teaching and grading and doing coursework/studying for exams/writing the diss while still keeping current on scholarship/writing conference papers/publishing articles/working on the job docs/networking. With the clock ticking. And people not in graduate school thinking that you just spend your days writing on blackboards and reading in your pajamas.
I guess the thing is, I've cried because of the stress and strain of other jobs. I'm trying to figure out why grad school seems different. Perhaps it's partly because in other jobs, people bitch about all of the parts of their lives; in graduate school, we bitch about graduate school. Teaching, teaching assignments, conspiracy theories about teaching assignments, job docs, student emails, conspiracy theories about the job market, what a prospectus is supposed to be, conspiracy theories about committees...While on the one hand, I've thought that the answer to a lot of this stress is more of a sense of academic community and department engagement, I'm wondering if there's a risk of too much conspiratorial energy accumulating with too much community, or if the lack of community leads to such thinking.
What I'd like to do is to feel okay with the clock ticking, realize that it's going to tick whether I'm in grad school or not, whether I go to jazzercise or read a journal article. Whether I do another revision or not. And at any moment, I can go and get a job as a secretary, an adjunct teacher, even a women's center director. And readers' reviews are that way because it's the convention, not because I'm actually stupid.
So, what's a healthy attitude toward graduate school? Or is there one? Is it simply an unhealthy situation?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Anxiety!
I have 28 days left before my exams are due. The weekend before they're due, I'm giving a conference paper at the last Berry Southern Women Writers conference--not awesome timing, but I've been twice and loved it so much that I couldn't not go to this, what they're claiming will be their last. My paper is on Scarlett O'Hara, which I'm writing about in one of my exam essays, so there will be some nice overlap. I won't have to completely stop exam writing to churn the conference paper out, which is nice.
I have three completed shitty first drafts, which I'm quite happy to have. My southern paper is the best going so far--although I'm having trouble not just writing the whole thing about Ellen Foster, because I love it so much as a novel, and there's so much to say about it. My gender paper I keep bugging my professor about, because I want to make sure that the texts I use fit within the parameters he laid out for the paper. I spent about 12 hours yesterday wrestling with my American paper--the one I feel the least in control about--but after finally letting go and freewriting for a while (you know, what I tell my students to do), I finally stumbled upon something resembling a thesis-like-thing for it (as I reported about another rough draft on fb: It's thesis-y. Demented and sad, but thesis-y). I didn't put the computer away until midnight last night--and then I read some more Eve Kosofsky Sedgewick.
So felt pretty okay about my progress when I went to bed last night. Today, however, the news and fb are all full of hurricane stories, and Isaac looks like it might come close to New Orleans (on the anniversary of Katrina! Joy!). I feel a lot of anxiety about this, as seven years ago was quite a difficult time for me. Even though realistically speaking, in Baton Rouge what we would most likely have to deal with is power outages and refugees, the ramping up anxiety around here is very easy to catch.
I went to jazzercise to try to work out some of the anxiety, and while I did get a good workout, it was the kind of teacher that makes me wish I could wear earplugs so I didn't have to listen to the inane comments they make. I don't give a good goddamn what celebrity is dating whom, and the only other thing she talked about was the hurricane and how long the gas lines were. I went there to not think about anxiety!
Although, I do sometimes daydream about how incredibly bored people would be if I were in charge of the inane chatter. I could talk about Downton Abbey, and Inspector Lewis, and how surprisingly boring Amanda Palmer's collaboration with the Flaming Lips was...omg! What ever is going to happen with Bates and Anna? Will Matthew and Mary actually go through with the wedding?
I've got my lesson plans for the week done, too, though I'm feeling so less than excited about teaching right now. The combination of awesome teaching this summer, my current anxiety levels, and the fact that it's first year comp makes it hard to get that excited. However, I'm kind of okay with not being jazzed about it. Ebb and flow are to be expected, I think.
I have three completed shitty first drafts, which I'm quite happy to have. My southern paper is the best going so far--although I'm having trouble not just writing the whole thing about Ellen Foster, because I love it so much as a novel, and there's so much to say about it. My gender paper I keep bugging my professor about, because I want to make sure that the texts I use fit within the parameters he laid out for the paper. I spent about 12 hours yesterday wrestling with my American paper--the one I feel the least in control about--but after finally letting go and freewriting for a while (you know, what I tell my students to do), I finally stumbled upon something resembling a thesis-like-thing for it (as I reported about another rough draft on fb: It's thesis-y. Demented and sad, but thesis-y). I didn't put the computer away until midnight last night--and then I read some more Eve Kosofsky Sedgewick.
So felt pretty okay about my progress when I went to bed last night. Today, however, the news and fb are all full of hurricane stories, and Isaac looks like it might come close to New Orleans (on the anniversary of Katrina! Joy!). I feel a lot of anxiety about this, as seven years ago was quite a difficult time for me. Even though realistically speaking, in Baton Rouge what we would most likely have to deal with is power outages and refugees, the ramping up anxiety around here is very easy to catch.
I went to jazzercise to try to work out some of the anxiety, and while I did get a good workout, it was the kind of teacher that makes me wish I could wear earplugs so I didn't have to listen to the inane comments they make. I don't give a good goddamn what celebrity is dating whom, and the only other thing she talked about was the hurricane and how long the gas lines were. I went there to not think about anxiety!
Although, I do sometimes daydream about how incredibly bored people would be if I were in charge of the inane chatter. I could talk about Downton Abbey, and Inspector Lewis, and how surprisingly boring Amanda Palmer's collaboration with the Flaming Lips was...omg! What ever is going to happen with Bates and Anna? Will Matthew and Mary actually go through with the wedding?
I've got my lesson plans for the week done, too, though I'm feeling so less than excited about teaching right now. The combination of awesome teaching this summer, my current anxiety levels, and the fact that it's first year comp makes it hard to get that excited. However, I'm kind of okay with not being jazzed about it. Ebb and flow are to be expected, I think.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
What I Did On My Summer Vacation
Here I am, in the briefest of storm eyes, in the weekend between my crazy busy summer and my differently busy fall, sleeping in as late as I want and trying to rest. I made it through the summer! At the beginning of the summer, I had my doubts--so many incredible opportunities presented themselves, opportunities which I just couldn't pass up. So, I dove in.
The beginning of June, I went to Florence, Italy, to present a paper at the Wharton in Florence conference. It was amazing! First of all, the dorm housing they offered to graduate students was surprisingly nice--my own room, with my OWN BATHROOM, minifridge, and a view of the Basilica of San Lorenzo. It was a week of talks about Wharton, tours of churches, museums, lots and lots of walking...I discovered I loved the work of Botticelli. I managed to fly to Florence via France all by myself, speak to people in French and Italian and be understood, and find my way through the Charles de Gaulle airport. I also discovered that with melatonin and an eye mask, I can sleep anywhere. And my paper was quite well-received--I've even received an email from a professor since asking if I'd like to put together a panel together for a conference. Yay, networking!
Upon my return, my husband and I then drove from Baton Rouge to Albuquerque for his sister's wedding. I was rather worn out, but enjoyed seeing them and my in-laws. Probably the most enjoyable part was getting to hike in the Petroglyph National Park--hiking felt so good!
After that, I went to Charlotte, North Carolina, to teach Shakespeare for the Duke/TIP Program at Davidson. It was an incredible experience! From 9-4 Monday through Friday, and 9-12 on Saturdays, my TA and I had class with eighteen gifted seventh and eighth graders. They totally ruined me for LSU students. First, they're all very motivated, very smart kids--anyone who's going to give up three weeks of summer vacation to study Shakespeare when they're 12 is going to be fun to teach. Plus, I have so much more in common culturally with these students than I do with LSU students--my class worshiped David Tennant, love Harry Potter, Star Trek, and Dr. Who. One of my kids had gone to Shakespeare camp the beginning of the summer, and another was putting together a video audition for the next Hunger Games movie.
It certainly was challenging living in a dorm for three weeks with the students and staff--academic staff was all on one floor, away from the kids, and we had our own rooms, but I do tire of sharing a bathroom and only have showers (and not baths). And there certainly were soap opera elements to some of the staff dynamics. However, at one point I realized that it was wonderful being part of a staff who were all dedicated to teaching, and to whom teaching was important. I realized (once again) how often teaching is denigrated in academia--teaching is a pain, it takes away from important time on "real work," grading is a pain, students are such a drag, no one pays attention....Here, every one was interested in inspiring their students and enjoyed being in the classroom. Plus, when there wasn't soap opera narrative happening, the people on the ac staff were a lot of fun. The first week, a group of us spent an average of two hours a night learning boy band choreography for the lip sync contest the first week. Talk about a way to form community!
Also, in the TIP program, cell phones are not allowed in the classroom--we are to take them up if we see them. Students are only allowed access to cell phones a couple of hours during free time a day. Having students who really were paying attention--I mean, I would ask a question and have every hand shoot up in the air--was invigorating. Being in the classroom seven hours a day was exhausting, but it meant that we formed a real community pretty quickly, and it allowed me to try out different kinds of activities and experiment. I discovered that some things I thought would be very cool kind of flopped, whereas things I made up on the fly (like having groups of students write "Thirteenth Night," in which they write follow-ups to the end of "Twelfth Night") worked really well.
By the end of the three weeks, I was starting to succumb to the kid germs that had been passed around the camp. By the last day, when I had a full day of parent conferences, I was developing sniffles a cough. Though I was dreading parent conferences, it turned out to be an enjoyable experience. Across the board, parents were pleased the program and primarily concerned with their kids social experiences--did their kids ever get their noses out of books? There was only one parent who wanted advice about what her (seventh grade) kid should plan to major in in college, and what she should be doing now to make that happen. I think that I was able to talk up the importance of studying the humanities to any college experience to calm her down a bit.
When I got home, I collapsed with the kid germs. For a couple of days, I couldn't even keep saltines down. I only had a week to be sick, though, as the next Sunday we left for Jackson, Mississippi, where I spent a week doing research in the Eudora Welty archives there. Jackson was so nice--it has a much artier vibe than Baton Rouge does. Our hotel room was upgraded for free to a suite, which was lovely. Everyone there was so very nice--it was kind of weird how nice and what a big deal it was. I was interviewed for the Welty Foundation newsletter, photos were taken, and I was asked to give a talk on my work.
The talk was Thursday afternoon, and I was quite anxious about it. The day before, they said that they'd move it to the board room, because they weren't sure how many people were coming--it could be as few as five. The parameters were quite vague--they'd said I should talk for "five to twenty minutes.' I felt kind of silly--there were flyers which advertised "A Conversation with Monica Miller." When I went to tour the Welty House, when they discovered that I was the "Welty Fellow," the tour guide insisted I meet everyone there, and the new director of the house invited me back to her office to talk about my work. Again, they were all very nice, but I'm not used to such things.
The talk? About twenty five people came! Including Suzanne Marrs, Welty's authorized biographer, Peggy Prenshaw, author of several books on Welty and southern women writers, the president of the Welty Foundation (who was friends with Welty herself), and Welty's niece. It was quite intimidating. But, I'd prepared notes, and spoke for twenty minutes, and then there were questions and suggestions and many people after noted how well it went. That was a relief.
My final day in the archives, I was tired. I did manage to read "The Alterations," an unpublished story in fragments that several people suggested. It's a terribly twisted story about a seamstress woman whose alcoholic husband is quite abusive to her; one day when he's passed out, she takes her scissors, needle, and thread to him and cuts him apart and sews him back together in a more pleasing form, killing him and confusing the heck out of the police. Twisted stuff! Friday afternoon, we went by the cemetery and saw Welty's grave, and then came home. All the way home, I kept declaring how tired I was; I dozed off at one point. I slept really late today, and then went to my book group's meeting on the third Fifty Shades of Grey book.
I continue to be tired, though I keep reading. School starts a week from Monday, but this Monday I get my exam questions for my general exam. As my bellatricksy blog attests, I've been reading diligently towards this exam for some time--pretty much, the past year. I'm definitely way past the sixty percent average that many people have said is how much people get done reading from their lists before starting. Still, I'd like to get one or two more done this weekend, which I think is doable.
Starting my exams feels like getting on a roller coaster. I have six weeks to write, and then my committee has two weeks to read them, and then on October 13, I'll have my oral defense of my exams. It's daunting. I am glad now that I'm teaching English 1001--not incredibly exciting teaching, but it won't require a bunch of prep for teaching a new class. I'm also the research assistant for the new DGS, who's one of my mentors, and I'm the professionalization chair for EGSA (which I think will overlap with my RA position nicely) and the president of the WGSGO. And I'm presenting at two conferences this fall--one on ugly women in Gone with the Wind, and one comparing ugly women in O'Connor and Welty. So it's all working towards my larger project.
Though school isn't officially for a week, I've got things at school most days this week. Meetings, and getting my questions, and welcome back meetings and stuff. I sort of feel daunted, but I also feel okay about it after having got through this summer. I found this summer that with enough exercise and sleep, I can do a lot work. So, we'll see how these lessons pan out this fall!
The beginning of June, I went to Florence, Italy, to present a paper at the Wharton in Florence conference. It was amazing! First of all, the dorm housing they offered to graduate students was surprisingly nice--my own room, with my OWN BATHROOM, minifridge, and a view of the Basilica of San Lorenzo. It was a week of talks about Wharton, tours of churches, museums, lots and lots of walking...I discovered I loved the work of Botticelli. I managed to fly to Florence via France all by myself, speak to people in French and Italian and be understood, and find my way through the Charles de Gaulle airport. I also discovered that with melatonin and an eye mask, I can sleep anywhere. And my paper was quite well-received--I've even received an email from a professor since asking if I'd like to put together a panel together for a conference. Yay, networking!
Upon my return, my husband and I then drove from Baton Rouge to Albuquerque for his sister's wedding. I was rather worn out, but enjoyed seeing them and my in-laws. Probably the most enjoyable part was getting to hike in the Petroglyph National Park--hiking felt so good!
After that, I went to Charlotte, North Carolina, to teach Shakespeare for the Duke/TIP Program at Davidson. It was an incredible experience! From 9-4 Monday through Friday, and 9-12 on Saturdays, my TA and I had class with eighteen gifted seventh and eighth graders. They totally ruined me for LSU students. First, they're all very motivated, very smart kids--anyone who's going to give up three weeks of summer vacation to study Shakespeare when they're 12 is going to be fun to teach. Plus, I have so much more in common culturally with these students than I do with LSU students--my class worshiped David Tennant, love Harry Potter, Star Trek, and Dr. Who. One of my kids had gone to Shakespeare camp the beginning of the summer, and another was putting together a video audition for the next Hunger Games movie.
It certainly was challenging living in a dorm for three weeks with the students and staff--academic staff was all on one floor, away from the kids, and we had our own rooms, but I do tire of sharing a bathroom and only have showers (and not baths). And there certainly were soap opera elements to some of the staff dynamics. However, at one point I realized that it was wonderful being part of a staff who were all dedicated to teaching, and to whom teaching was important. I realized (once again) how often teaching is denigrated in academia--teaching is a pain, it takes away from important time on "real work," grading is a pain, students are such a drag, no one pays attention....Here, every one was interested in inspiring their students and enjoyed being in the classroom. Plus, when there wasn't soap opera narrative happening, the people on the ac staff were a lot of fun. The first week, a group of us spent an average of two hours a night learning boy band choreography for the lip sync contest the first week. Talk about a way to form community!
Also, in the TIP program, cell phones are not allowed in the classroom--we are to take them up if we see them. Students are only allowed access to cell phones a couple of hours during free time a day. Having students who really were paying attention--I mean, I would ask a question and have every hand shoot up in the air--was invigorating. Being in the classroom seven hours a day was exhausting, but it meant that we formed a real community pretty quickly, and it allowed me to try out different kinds of activities and experiment. I discovered that some things I thought would be very cool kind of flopped, whereas things I made up on the fly (like having groups of students write "Thirteenth Night," in which they write follow-ups to the end of "Twelfth Night") worked really well.
By the end of the three weeks, I was starting to succumb to the kid germs that had been passed around the camp. By the last day, when I had a full day of parent conferences, I was developing sniffles a cough. Though I was dreading parent conferences, it turned out to be an enjoyable experience. Across the board, parents were pleased the program and primarily concerned with their kids social experiences--did their kids ever get their noses out of books? There was only one parent who wanted advice about what her (seventh grade) kid should plan to major in in college, and what she should be doing now to make that happen. I think that I was able to talk up the importance of studying the humanities to any college experience to calm her down a bit.
When I got home, I collapsed with the kid germs. For a couple of days, I couldn't even keep saltines down. I only had a week to be sick, though, as the next Sunday we left for Jackson, Mississippi, where I spent a week doing research in the Eudora Welty archives there. Jackson was so nice--it has a much artier vibe than Baton Rouge does. Our hotel room was upgraded for free to a suite, which was lovely. Everyone there was so very nice--it was kind of weird how nice and what a big deal it was. I was interviewed for the Welty Foundation newsletter, photos were taken, and I was asked to give a talk on my work.
The talk was Thursday afternoon, and I was quite anxious about it. The day before, they said that they'd move it to the board room, because they weren't sure how many people were coming--it could be as few as five. The parameters were quite vague--they'd said I should talk for "five to twenty minutes.' I felt kind of silly--there were flyers which advertised "A Conversation with Monica Miller." When I went to tour the Welty House, when they discovered that I was the "Welty Fellow," the tour guide insisted I meet everyone there, and the new director of the house invited me back to her office to talk about my work. Again, they were all very nice, but I'm not used to such things.
The talk? About twenty five people came! Including Suzanne Marrs, Welty's authorized biographer, Peggy Prenshaw, author of several books on Welty and southern women writers, the president of the Welty Foundation (who was friends with Welty herself), and Welty's niece. It was quite intimidating. But, I'd prepared notes, and spoke for twenty minutes, and then there were questions and suggestions and many people after noted how well it went. That was a relief.
My final day in the archives, I was tired. I did manage to read "The Alterations," an unpublished story in fragments that several people suggested. It's a terribly twisted story about a seamstress woman whose alcoholic husband is quite abusive to her; one day when he's passed out, she takes her scissors, needle, and thread to him and cuts him apart and sews him back together in a more pleasing form, killing him and confusing the heck out of the police. Twisted stuff! Friday afternoon, we went by the cemetery and saw Welty's grave, and then came home. All the way home, I kept declaring how tired I was; I dozed off at one point. I slept really late today, and then went to my book group's meeting on the third Fifty Shades of Grey book.
I continue to be tired, though I keep reading. School starts a week from Monday, but this Monday I get my exam questions for my general exam. As my bellatricksy blog attests, I've been reading diligently towards this exam for some time--pretty much, the past year. I'm definitely way past the sixty percent average that many people have said is how much people get done reading from their lists before starting. Still, I'd like to get one or two more done this weekend, which I think is doable.
Starting my exams feels like getting on a roller coaster. I have six weeks to write, and then my committee has two weeks to read them, and then on October 13, I'll have my oral defense of my exams. It's daunting. I am glad now that I'm teaching English 1001--not incredibly exciting teaching, but it won't require a bunch of prep for teaching a new class. I'm also the research assistant for the new DGS, who's one of my mentors, and I'm the professionalization chair for EGSA (which I think will overlap with my RA position nicely) and the president of the WGSGO. And I'm presenting at two conferences this fall--one on ugly women in Gone with the Wind, and one comparing ugly women in O'Connor and Welty. So it's all working towards my larger project.
Though school isn't officially for a week, I've got things at school most days this week. Meetings, and getting my questions, and welcome back meetings and stuff. I sort of feel daunted, but I also feel okay about it after having got through this summer. I found this summer that with enough exercise and sleep, I can do a lot work. So, we'll see how these lessons pan out this fall!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Winter's Tale Thoughts
[warning--lots of spoilers ahead]
Between the series end of House and the season's end of Sherlock, I'm reminded of why I cry at the end of Winter's Tale. These tv shows are so playing to the fantasy of shirking death--as Watson stood at Sherlock's grave last night, begging at his headstone for him not to be dead anymore, and then the camera panned to Sherlock watching--well, there's the fantasy. I still occasionally have the thought (which Joan Didion so aptly identified as "magical thinking") that well, surely Aunt Julie will have been dead long enough, and will get to come back soon.
No real conclusions to draw here, just an observation from two nights of poignant tv.
Between the series end of House and the season's end of Sherlock, I'm reminded of why I cry at the end of Winter's Tale. These tv shows are so playing to the fantasy of shirking death--as Watson stood at Sherlock's grave last night, begging at his headstone for him not to be dead anymore, and then the camera panned to Sherlock watching--well, there's the fantasy. I still occasionally have the thought (which Joan Didion so aptly identified as "magical thinking") that well, surely Aunt Julie will have been dead long enough, and will get to come back soon.
No real conclusions to draw here, just an observation from two nights of poignant tv.
Friday, May 11, 2012
More end of semester thoughts
I finished grading papers at 1am this morning, and posted grades to Moodle and submitted final grades. By 2:30am, I had my first email which begged, "But I tried really hard!" The past two or three days I've had a number of frantic emails from students--one even used the word frantic--wanting to know when grades would be posted, can they revise, is there any extra credit they can do....Several of them began by explaining that they had just looked at their grade on Moodle and realized that they didn't have an A, which prompted the frantic emails. And since posting grades this morning, the emails have continued.
It's weird--I used to get these emails, before I started using an online gradebook. Once I started keeping grades online, these emails for the most part went away, as students are able to check on their average at any given moment. I even had one student write his position paper this semester arguing that all teachers should be required to use the Moodle gradebook, as it greatly alleviates student anxiety. So, this rash of frantic emails is rather unusual.
I admit to feeling quite frustrated and annoyed by these emails, as most of them are using emotional language and all seem to be throwing themselves on my mercy. They beg for extra credit and even offer to write a new paper. My annoyance stems from the fact that it's not as though these students' grades suddenly took a nosedive, or that there were lots of failing grades. In fact, one of the most desperate sounding emails is from a student who got a B. I checked final grades against midterm grades, and individual final paper grades against earlier paper grades. Generally, there's a slight progression from midterm to final, and most individuals show improvement from earlier papers to later (which is why the final paper is weighted heavier than the first paper--I genuinely work to structure the class so that improvement is rewarded). I had some really great student papers--one paper, in which a student explained Jindal's position on school vouchers, and then explained how his explanation is oversimplifying a complicated issue, got me to clap at my computer while I was reading it.
Today, however, between my frantic student emails which all seem to be hurling themselves at my mercy (as I noted on facebook, my mercy is tired of having things thrown at it today) and the conversations I've had the last two days about teaching--specifically, my program's stated expectations of its teachers, what kind of teaching seems to be rewarded by my program, the program's unclear expectations of us as graduate students, and what our students seem to expect from us--I'm throwing my hands up today. The person who won the teaching award did so because he received straight 5s on his teaching evaluations--which seems suspect to me. "5" doesn't mean anything to me. When I hand out evals, I give the school's scantron forms, but I also hand out my own, short answer forms (based on those used by my former program), which actually give me useful information. Further, there is very little classroom observation that goes on--both times that I've been observed here, I've had to ask to be evaluated. I don't think that very much is known about what goes on inside the classroom here.
Because of this (I conclude), my colleagues and I are getting students who have been here for two and three and four years who claim to have never done academic research in a classroom. There are graduate students in my graduate classes who claim to have never written a paper longer than ten pages, and don't know how to write something 20 pages long.
I feel like I keep encountering issues which seem like they're connected, and seem like they are systemic in some way. I would like to be able to do something about it, but I also want to maintain my sanity and use my finite amounts of energy and time in ways which reflect my priorities. My purpose in writing this is to vent, with the intention of blowing off steam to maintain my sanity. Next year, I will have some leadership opportunities in my department to at least offer support for graduate students who feel as though they're floundering when writing, and I intend to once again re-formulate a first year composition class. Now that grades are submitted, I think the next thing for me to do is rest and recuperate. I tend to have less patience when I'm fatigued, which is definitely contributing to today's frustration and annoyance.
It's weird--I used to get these emails, before I started using an online gradebook. Once I started keeping grades online, these emails for the most part went away, as students are able to check on their average at any given moment. I even had one student write his position paper this semester arguing that all teachers should be required to use the Moodle gradebook, as it greatly alleviates student anxiety. So, this rash of frantic emails is rather unusual.
I admit to feeling quite frustrated and annoyed by these emails, as most of them are using emotional language and all seem to be throwing themselves on my mercy. They beg for extra credit and even offer to write a new paper. My annoyance stems from the fact that it's not as though these students' grades suddenly took a nosedive, or that there were lots of failing grades. In fact, one of the most desperate sounding emails is from a student who got a B. I checked final grades against midterm grades, and individual final paper grades against earlier paper grades. Generally, there's a slight progression from midterm to final, and most individuals show improvement from earlier papers to later (which is why the final paper is weighted heavier than the first paper--I genuinely work to structure the class so that improvement is rewarded). I had some really great student papers--one paper, in which a student explained Jindal's position on school vouchers, and then explained how his explanation is oversimplifying a complicated issue, got me to clap at my computer while I was reading it.
Today, however, between my frantic student emails which all seem to be hurling themselves at my mercy (as I noted on facebook, my mercy is tired of having things thrown at it today) and the conversations I've had the last two days about teaching--specifically, my program's stated expectations of its teachers, what kind of teaching seems to be rewarded by my program, the program's unclear expectations of us as graduate students, and what our students seem to expect from us--I'm throwing my hands up today. The person who won the teaching award did so because he received straight 5s on his teaching evaluations--which seems suspect to me. "5" doesn't mean anything to me. When I hand out evals, I give the school's scantron forms, but I also hand out my own, short answer forms (based on those used by my former program), which actually give me useful information. Further, there is very little classroom observation that goes on--both times that I've been observed here, I've had to ask to be evaluated. I don't think that very much is known about what goes on inside the classroom here.
Because of this (I conclude), my colleagues and I are getting students who have been here for two and three and four years who claim to have never done academic research in a classroom. There are graduate students in my graduate classes who claim to have never written a paper longer than ten pages, and don't know how to write something 20 pages long.
I feel like I keep encountering issues which seem like they're connected, and seem like they are systemic in some way. I would like to be able to do something about it, but I also want to maintain my sanity and use my finite amounts of energy and time in ways which reflect my priorities. My purpose in writing this is to vent, with the intention of blowing off steam to maintain my sanity. Next year, I will have some leadership opportunities in my department to at least offer support for graduate students who feel as though they're floundering when writing, and I intend to once again re-formulate a first year composition class. Now that grades are submitted, I think the next thing for me to do is rest and recuperate. I tend to have less patience when I'm fatigued, which is definitely contributing to today's frustration and annoyance.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
End of semester thoughts
Seeing so many facebook statuses about scrambling to finish end of semester papers, I'm feeling incredibly grateful to only be auditing a course this semester. Not having papers to finish is quite a relief, though one slightly offset by having two sections of papers to grade. I just finished reading rough drafts, and it was a bit exhausting. My student papers really are all over the place--I have some really polished, well-argued, well-researched papers, some that show promise, and some that are half the required length which don't seem to be arguing anything. I'm trying to keep my focus on the fact that I do see an overall trend of improvement in most of my students.
I'm also proud of the fact that at least a couple of my students went into their research with opinions which changed over the course of their research. In all of my teaching, my greatest feelings of pride are in those students who have changed their mind doing research. In fact, while I was at the Unite Women rally yesterday, I reflected on the fact that I really feel that the most useful activism I am engaged in is teaching. If I can teach students to identity argument fallacies and to keep an open mind while researching an issue, I think that's much more effective than waving a sign around.
Still, I went to the rally yesterday and held a sign and worked the Clothesline Project table. (And no, I did not "woman" it. I have such a negative response to the word "woman" as a verb.) My cynicism continued, though I do feel a bit hopeful about the idea of starting a serious campaign to revitalize the ERA. (Once again, I feel like teaching is the most effective means of activism for me--on my Intro WGS exam, students had to identify the text of the ERA--and once students learned the actual text of the ERA--it doesn't say anything about bathrooms!--they were generally in support of it.) And working the table a couple of times now, I do think that it does raise awareness of domestic violence--but I would still like to have a conversation about clarifying how it works, because it also at times flirts with flippancy, or has the potential to make participants uncomfortable if asked to talk about their participation.
In terms of feminist activism, I'd prefer to get away from the kinds of activism which seem to be reinforcing binary gender stereotypes, and instead has the potential for more measurable efficacy. Voter registration, for example. I do realize, though, that these more confessional, interactive events are in fact meaningful for many--as is probably apparent, I'm feeling rather conflicted about it. I want to say that I hope others will continue to work on these projects as long as people find meaning in them, and that I wish to focus my energies on projects which I find meaningful.
I'm also proud of the fact that at least a couple of my students went into their research with opinions which changed over the course of their research. In all of my teaching, my greatest feelings of pride are in those students who have changed their mind doing research. In fact, while I was at the Unite Women rally yesterday, I reflected on the fact that I really feel that the most useful activism I am engaged in is teaching. If I can teach students to identity argument fallacies and to keep an open mind while researching an issue, I think that's much more effective than waving a sign around.
Still, I went to the rally yesterday and held a sign and worked the Clothesline Project table. (And no, I did not "woman" it. I have such a negative response to the word "woman" as a verb.) My cynicism continued, though I do feel a bit hopeful about the idea of starting a serious campaign to revitalize the ERA. (Once again, I feel like teaching is the most effective means of activism for me--on my Intro WGS exam, students had to identify the text of the ERA--and once students learned the actual text of the ERA--it doesn't say anything about bathrooms!--they were generally in support of it.) And working the table a couple of times now, I do think that it does raise awareness of domestic violence--but I would still like to have a conversation about clarifying how it works, because it also at times flirts with flippancy, or has the potential to make participants uncomfortable if asked to talk about their participation.
In terms of feminist activism, I'd prefer to get away from the kinds of activism which seem to be reinforcing binary gender stereotypes, and instead has the potential for more measurable efficacy. Voter registration, for example. I do realize, though, that these more confessional, interactive events are in fact meaningful for many--as is probably apparent, I'm feeling rather conflicted about it. I want to say that I hope others will continue to work on these projects as long as people find meaning in them, and that I wish to focus my energies on projects which I find meaningful.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Possible WCML Headers
Here are some screenshots of possible header photos for the website. Comments?
OED
Books
Pens
Slanted Pens
Type Bars
Typewriter Keys
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