The boredom continues

I just finished reading through this first set of rough drafts from my second year composition class.  They were okay.  It's the first paper, and it's a rhetorical analysis of a print advertisement.  As usual, there was quite a bit of writing about the advertisement industry instead of focused analysis on the ad itself, and the typical organization and clarity issues.  But nothing too unusual.

Still, I feel bored.  The next time I teach this class, I'm going to need to come up with a different analytical paper to start with.  I'm feeling completely unmotivated to go look at the assignments for the week and try to come up with some lesson plans.  Blah.

In other news, last night I was pleased to receive an email that I should be receiving proofs of my article fixing to be published--and then today, they emailed back and said that I need to put it into Chicago, not MLA style, stat.  So, tonight I'll be watching Downton Abbey and fixing footnotes.  It's not a big thing, but it is tedious.  And adding to my peevish mood.

I've got a novel to finish this week, too--Black Thunder: Gabriel's Revolt, Virginia 1800--along with a couple of chapters of Cotton's Queer Relations, and I've got to fit in a viewing of Mandigo, as well.  Next week, we read Absalom, Absalom--one of my all time favorite novels.  I need to go talk to the professor of this class again, though I just stopped by office hours this past week.  I had a mentoring lunch with a WGS professor this week (which is such a wonderful idea, and I'm so grateful that we're doing this this semester), and in response to my question about whether it's a problem that my committee is currently made up of three men, the professor strongly urged me to consider asking my Queer South professor to be on my committee.  True, this professor is a major reason why I came here, but she's been gone for the past year and a half, and I haven't had a chance to work with her at all. 

At the WGS retreat yesterday, my WGS mentor said that she'd thought about it more and thinks its even more important that I get her on my committee, as her work really lines up with my own.  Sigh.  I need to find a way to approach this that doesn't feel like asking people to the prom, which is what it feels like right now.  I know that every single person I've asked for advice about how to get through a phd program without regrets or bitterness has emphasized the importance of having the right committee, which may be adding to the stress I feel about this.

I think I get Tuesday off this week, which I haven't had in a couple of weeks.  I'm supposed to go to dance class Monday night, but I'm feeling quite reluctant about that, too.  I missed this past week (I went to sleep instead), and I believe we're at the point where we're expected to dance with partners.  I don't want to dance with a partner.  It's not like West Coast Swing, which I feel more comfortable with--I think this Chicago Swing is much more of an intimate dance experience.

Oh, peevishness.  I shall relocate myself upstairs now, and settle in for the two-hour Downton Abbey.  I expect that it will lighten my mood somewhat.

Focusing on the positive

I started student conferences yesterday.  The rough draft for their first paper is due Friday, with the final paper due next Friday.  The first paper is a rhetorical analysis of a print ad--I like it as an exercise in analysis.  So far, it's been quite a motley assortment.  In class, I handed back the paper proposals and went over a few common issues I saw with them--one of which was a tendency with a few students to want to write some big sprawling paper on the history of gender roles in advertising, or do research, or write about an issue the ad brings up, but not about the ad itself.

My last conference of the day yesterday was like that--a real go-getter student, even after I'd talked about this in class, and noted on his paper proposal that the assignment is for an analysis of his ad, and not on the effects of materialism on divorce rates, he sat down in my office and said, "Let me tell you about the paper I'm going to write," and then proceeded to talk about his feelings on the effects of materialism on divorce rates.  I explained again what this paper's focus should be, and explained my reasoning behind the arc of assignments in the course.  I suggested that his larger interest might be something to keep in mind for the larger research project which we'll begin after this paper.  He expressed understanding, but seemed less than excited about this assignment, which I got the impression he seems to think is beneath him.

Oh well. I intend to focus on the positive.  Another student I met with yesterday emailed today, asking if she could meet with me again before Friday and have me look over her rough draft.  That makes me feel hopeful, that there are students in the class who are working.

Still, I'm a bit annoyed that I waited until this semester to ask to have my teaching evaluated.  I have a date now--March 9--which may be the same lesson plan I did when I was taped for evaluation purposes at UT.  Fingers crossed that by that point, the class will have gelled a bit more.  If they don't, though, I'm a bit torn whether I should warn the evaluator before the class period about the class.  I have a good reputation as a teacher now; I wonder if, when I confirm the date a week or so before the class period, if I should note that it's not the most engaged class I've ever taught, partly because there are a couple of large cliques of friends in the class.  I plan on addressing that this week by having them count off on Friday and randomly assigning partners for the rough draft workshop, rather than having them pick their partners.

And in other good news, I sent out the semester's calendar of events for the WGS Graduate Student Organization (WGSGO) to the list of DGSs I had one of the student workers in WGS put together for me.  My hope was to reach some departments which are underrepresented in WGS--as much as it's nice to have English dominate, it would be nice to get some fresh perspectives (one thing which was quite beneficial when I did my independent study, required for a WGS minor, with a sociology professor).  I've already heard from one graduate student in kinesiology, which I'm quite happy about. 

This weekend is the WGS retreat, which I'm looking forward to a lot.  I had such a good time at last years'--although, I will have a bunch of rough drafts to grade while I'm there.  Last year, I had a bunch of Flannery O'Connor to read, which was highlighted by the noisy peacocks which roam about the retreat location. 

And my Letter Writing Month commitments continue--it's been a really wonderful practice in gratitude. And, yesterday I got a lovely note from Mary Robinette Kowal, the fabulous author who came up with the program in the first place.

Positive!  Happy thoughts!
(which I need, as I now resume my viewing of Birth of a Nation for the class I'm auditing. If only MST-3K had done a version...)

What I tried today

Yesterday afternoon in the class I'm auditing, the professor was asked a question about dealing with difficult classmates.  She related a story about a classmate she had in grad school who annoyed the heck out of her, because regardless of what the conversation was about, this student always, always managed to twist it around to his particular historical interest.  She said that she finally decided that, rather than be annoyed by this habit, she decided instead to love it about him.

I used a similar strategy when I was a secretary in hospital administration--there were some doctors who had some really insulting habits, which I finally decided to use as opportunities to practice some of the Buddhist mind-training slogans I was learning at the time.  It did work, to a certain extent--though for a while, my thought of, "I'm so glad to have the opportunity to practice patience" had a decidedly sarcastic tone to it, eventually meant that sentiment more sincerely.  I was grateful for the opportunity to practice patience.  Other times, I would wave my hands and think to myself (or a couple of times, actually stated out loud), "I am a Bodhisattva Warrior!!!"  That one at least would make me laugh, even if I couldn't quite mean it at the time.

My intention today in class was to try to love what's infuriating about the class, and to try to play to their strengths--namely, the fact that they all know each other and enjoy chatting about this weekend's party.  Today, I checked that they each had picked an advertisement to use for their papers, collected the paragraphs they wrote about them, and talked briefly with them about their papers.  Meanwhile, they had thesis statement worksheets to complete, which only involve a bit of collaboration toward the end.  However, three times I had to tell them to be quiet and get to work.  At the beginning of class, they didn't respond to my closing the door to signal class starting, or even my standing in the middle of the front of the classroom, waiting for them to realize class was starting.  Again, I had to raise my voice to get their attention.

There are only 22 students in this class.  And it's a sophomore level class.  I'm disappointed at the lack of maturity most of them are displaying.  The last time I taught English 2000, it was much better: unlike the 1001 class, I didn't have students who were struggling with first year issues (figuring out how to feed themselves, for example) in that class, and it was nice to have students who had jobs and a decent sense of responsibility.  That was the class in which a pretty intense debate broke out over why college students should have to take humanities classes--I had some really engaged students.  The engaged students I have in this class are much quieter--or maybe just seem so, in comparison.

Next week they're coming to meet with me about their papers, and my hope is that one on one time with them will be useful.  I'm quite annoyed that it's this semester that I finally requested to have my teaching evaluated--as it appears that teaching evaluations here are voluntary and not that common (yet another thing on my list of things I miss about UT), I wish I had realized that evals don't happen automatically here earlier, and had another class evaluated.  I did get my teaching evaluated by a faculty member in my WGS class last semester, which went really well, so I do at least have that.

Right now, I'm taking a break.  Later this weekend, I'll do my lesson plans for the week and see if I can come up with some new intentions to bring with me to class next week.  For at least the next 24 hours, though, to misquote Ross Geller, WE ARE ON A BREAK!!

What helped a bit

Last week, I went with my friend Stephanie to the Y for a "demonstration" of their Chicago Swing Dance class (which turned into a brief lesson).  Though traffic is not awesome on the way to her house, and the music the dance is done to (R&B) is not my favorite, it was fun enough that I signed up (and, more importantly, paid) for six weeks of classes.  Yesterday was the first real class--and boy, was it hard to leave the house at 6pm on Monday.  The combination of having paid $60 and having told Stephanie I'd go with her is what got me out the door, rather than still on the couch reading reading reading.*

I'm very glad I went.  While I'm still not thrilled with the music, class was fun--we went over the basic step again (which I had mis-remembered--it's actually 1,2-and-3, 4-and-5, 6) and learned several varieties of turns.  And, I got to hang out with Stephanie and her toddler, which was fun.  And importantly, when I came home and tried to read again,** my brain was so much clearer.  It was the walking meditation experience again.

So today, though it's my day off, I'm going to campus to sit in on a class that's reading Mayra Montero's The Messenger, which I wrote an article about.  I'm happy that I got out of bed before 11 today (because on a day off, that doesn't happen as much as I'd like it to), so that I have time to do an exercise video.  If I can continue to condition myself to understand that exercise/activity makes be feel better and think more clearly, I think it will hopefully overtime become more integrated into my routine.

I was going to write "and then hopefully despondent days like yesterday will be rarer," but I don't know that I want that to be true. Rather, I think my being honest about when things aren't great is ultimately good for me (and something I'm not great at being frank about).  So, for now, days like yesterday are just fine.

*The reading for this class I'm auditing is really something.  I had to pull out a binder for all of the readings, because a folder wouldn't contain it all.  The readings for Thursday are about an inch thick, an inch of history and theorizing southern and queer studies.  I'm glad this is all I'm taking!

**Thank goodness, I've only got one article left to read.  It's a lot!

Now that the shininess is wearing off

A few years ago (2006, I believe), I went to a weekend retreat on "dancing the goddess free" in Asheville (I mean, come on, it was in Asheville).  It was such a wonderful experience--one of the outcomes of the weekend, in fact, was my determination and decision to finish my BA in earnest (and here I am six years later with not only a BA but an MA and coursework completed toward my doctorate. Quite the weekend, indeed).  However, the Monday after the retreat was AWFUL--I was so sad.  I missed being excited about jumping out of bed to go to sunrise yoga by the pond.  I felt resentful toward my asinine coworkers.  I didn't care one iota about transcribing meeting notes.

I think something like that may be going on in my teaching right now.  After teaching two sections of Introduction to Women's and Gender Studies last semester (70 students total!), returning to teaching composition feels like a let down.  I've taught this class once before, and haven't made any major changes (partly because I think this sequence of assignments makes sense, and partly because we were given about a week's notice to turn in our syllabuses for this semester during finals week last semester).  Sure, had I wanted to make a major change, I could have, but I think that, for a class whose focus is argument and research, this assignment sequence--a rhetorical analysis of a print ad, group skits on argument fallacies, followed by a research project which includes an annotated bibliography, a researched expository paper, and a researched position paper--accomplishes the major goals of the class.

I wish I could resurrect the themed 102 class I did at UT, which had research its focus, and was focused on the South.  It included field research and archival research, along with academic research.  However, the way that schedules keep shaking out, I keep missing the window of opportunity to submit my themed course proposal.  That's one solution for my boredom.

I also fully admit that teaching a WGS course last semester has contributed to this feeling of let-down I have this semester.  WGS was so fun--the students were such a self-selected group, and were so excited about what we were doing, and the course material was so interesting and relevant.  My intention is to have even composition course material be interesting and relevant, but it's starting to feel stale.  And, this class is made up primarily of two groups of friends, so I'm having to wait out the chit-chat more than usual.  This detracts from my motivation.

I was reading Donne Quesada's Buddha in the Classroom last night, which addressed just this feeling of burn out and boredom.  Her suggestions included trying to stay in the moment and connect with students individually, which I tried today.  I also started the day by sitting zazen for ten minutes, though that led to my not having time to sit down and eat my cereal this morning.  I took it in a baggie without milk, instead. 

Now that I think about it, I am intending on trying some new things in the classroom, like incorporating some of Sondra Perl's Felt Sense exercises.  It's just that this is the first time I've been in the classroom and not been totally excited about being there.  I'd so much rather be doing my own work--I've got a couple of articles I'm really excited about right now, and the course I'm auditing (on the Queer South!)  is overlapping nicely with both my reading lists and my interests.  I finally sat down last week and closely read all of Foucault's History of Sexuality, Volume 1, and was so jazzed about it.  I'd like the jazz to bleed over into my classroom, right now. 

(now I'm thinking about writing a poem called "I'd like the jazz to bleed)

I suppose I'm being incredibly demanding right now.  I'm used to having less than stellar classes as a student; this is the first time I've felt that way about a class I'm teaching.  And it's only week two.  Ah, learning experiences. 

The Month of Letters

As I have continued to make active, non-school activities a priority, I have noticed a positive effect on myself--my thinking is clearer, my body feels better, and I'm less cranky.  A few days ago, I put down the queer theory I was reading, went upstairs, and cut out a skirt.  I then came back downstairs and picked my book back up--and my brain felt remarkably clearer!  It reminded me of the time I did the sitting/walking/sitting meditation practice at a Zen temple--45 minutes of sitting, 10 minutes of walking, followed by another 45 minutes of sitting.  After the walking break, when I returned to the cushion, it was as though clear water had been poured through my head--I *felt* (for lack of a better verb) so much clearer.  A bit into the second part of the sitting, I actually had an experience which, afterward, I could only describe as, "Wow, that must be that "emptiness" thing that everyone talks about!"

In that spirit, I've decided to commit to Mary Robinette Kowal's Month of Letters Challenge.  It may just be a notecard, but I think that sending something out every day is a good challenge to set myself.  I already write letters occasionally (I love pretty stationery and notecards)--this will be a good way to spread some happiness around.  It's such a rare surprise when something pleasing shows up in the mail that I'm not expecting.  I used to be such a letter-writer.  All through high school and college, I kept up correspondences with friends from camp and from places I used to live.  Though email is handy and immediate, I love the permanence of letters.  I have boxes in my closet of not only my correspondence, but that of Aunt Julie and Mamaw, too. I even have the telegram Aunt Julie received, announcing that I'd been born (and named after her).  Such tangible artifacts are important.

It will make me happy to send so many small bits of joy in the mail.  And I'm interested to see how committing each day to thinking of someone else--getting outside of my own head for a bit--effects me. 

Let me know if you want me to send you something!

Meta-Post

I read this article today about blogging at the same time that I have a tab open on my computer to write for a feminist blog.  I still maintain that blogging keeps me productive, as I'm thinking about my work in a lower-stakes environment than more formal places.  Plus, I get a lot from my online interactions--even (especially?) those with people I've never actually met on Twitter or facebook, I've been able to ask for ideas and compare experiences in teaching and grad school.  I've exchanged lesson plans and worksheets.  I've solicited ideas for texts to teach.  My University of Venus blog post got me a guest lecture spot in my department--a poorly attended one, but a good experience and a cv line nonetheless.

That my talk at school was so poorly attended (four people!) may highlight one aspect of online interaction I enjoy--there's an audience!  There's interaction!  As one of my disappointments with my current institution is the lack of face-to-face interaction, having people respond to hashtagged Twitter posts during First Year Comp Chats is nice.  And on facebook, I've been able to "introduce" friends in different places to each other and interact with them all at the same time. 

My other blog is dedicated to my reading list, and I find it a rewarding way to track my progress.  Look at how many posts I made in December!  Maybe I'll get through these lists!  One day!

And I'm sure it's all ultimately vanity-driven, too, but it's good to have an outlet for my words words words.